Daddy Dearest
by Scrunchy
Summary: A 1121 word crack drabble about Hiruma and Apollo. Not Yaoi. There is a moral!


**Well... I think this is the biggest sin against Eyeshield 21 canon since... I don't know. But I assure you it is to be taken as pure crack. I'm not sure if it's funny or not, but I hope it is. I got a chuckle out of writing it...**

**Disclaimer: The names of the nurse and doctor were left out for their personal privacy and safety. Eyeshield 21 belongs to Riichiro Inagaki and Yusuke Murata. I am Scrunchy, and this is my story- spawned fromt he depths of my mind after falling asleep while re-reading the NASA Aliens game.**

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"Why is _he_ here?" Hiruma Yoichi- in Japanese- and Leonard Apollo- in English- said together, making a jumble of the two languages and shooting one another a glare when a nurse gestured for Apollo to be seated in the doctor's office. Hiruma had already been there for a minute and was chewing gum while lounging in his seat. The nurse took a seat behind her desk.

"I suppose neither of you know why you were called here today?" The nurse sighed tiredly as she tidied some papers at the desk she was sitting at.

"Is it _that_ obvious?" Hiruma sneered, Apollo just crossed his arms and muttered something about 'damn monkey talk.'

"Apparently. I'll send the doctor in. I like living." She stood, put a clip on the stack of papers and walked out the door. The sounds of an argument came from the hall before a man in a white coat was forced through the door and it was slammed behind him.

"Uh… ahem." The doctor coughed and straightened his jacket. When he spoke, it was in English- for Apollo's sake. "Hello… Hiruma-san, I trust you speak English?"

"I can fucking understand you fine." Hiruma answered in English.

"… good." The doctor coughed and atempted to look casual by sitting on the edge of the desk while swiping up the stack of papers that the nurse had been messing with. "Ahem…" he cleared his throat again, at first he seemed about to say something but then stopped and seemed to rethink his words. "Do either of you know anything about why you're here?"

"I got a phone call." Apollo and Hiruma chorused, then resumed glaring at each other instead of the doctor, which seemed to give him a boost in confidence.

"Yes, well… I suppose it would be better to start from the beginning." The doctor scanned the papers in his hand, sometimes flipping a page over. "These are DNA test results." Hiruma sneered with a, 'what the fuck?' "Did you consent for them?"

"Hell no I didn't!" Hiruma scoffed.

"I want my lawyer! I'm going to sue someone's ass off!" Apollo stated, standing quickly and reaching for his cell phone.

"Sir, please…" The doctor sweat dropped, trying to calm Apollo.

"Che, so who ordered it?" Hiruma asked, ignoring Apollo and wanting to get to the source. Someone would be crying on their hands and knees by noon. This made Apollo stop, resume his cool and shove his phone back in his pocket while sitting back down.

"I'm not allowed to release that info-…" he paused as Hiruma was pulling out his little black book; Apollo was pulling his cell phone out as well. "Her name is Scrunchy Cerberus. She paid for it, supplied the DNA and turned in consent forms with both of your signatures on them." He held up the two papers- one with the quick, spidery writing of Hiruma Yoichi and the second with the sure, loopy script of Leonard Apollo.

"I didn't sign _anything_." Hiruma popped his gum angrily.

"Neither did I!" Apollo crushed his cigar butt out on the floor of the room- the people at the front desk had given up on trying to get him to adhere to the 'No Smoking' sign as soon as he walked in the door, an authoritive American was the last thing they needed to argue with.

"I'm sorry sirs… but _is_ this your handwriting?" The doctor pressed, desperately not wanting to lose his job.

"Che… yeah, that's our handwriting." Hiruma flipped idly though his book of threats under 'C'. "What were the results?" Hiruma asked as if knowing the answer already. Apollo was clenching the arms of his chair angrily.

"Uh…" the doctor nervously pushed his glasses farther up on his nose. "Well… Approximately 50 of your DNA is a match to… uhm… Mr. Apollo's." Both Hiruma and Apollo froze, Hiruma had a bubble of gum just in front of his mouth about to pop. Apollo was the first to move.

"That's outrageous!" He exclaimed, standing quickly and pointing dramatically at the papers in the doctor's hands. Hiruma's gum popped on his face.

"I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing _that_." Hiruma made a face and peeled the gum off of his mouth and cheek. His face lit up in an evil grin when he turned to the next page in his treat book.

"So… if I said I get it from my dad, you'd have insulted yourself by saying my dick is small." Hiruma sneered, Apollo's face turned an interesting shade of red and he sputtered around his new cigar that he had whipped out. Hiruma scribbled something down then started turning pages again.

"You don't seem very affected by this, Hiruma-san." The doctor commented as Apollo snatched the papers from his hand and looked at them, his hands shaking like they would rip it up any second.

"Che, I'm not." Hiruma circled something then flipped back in his book to the 'A's and scribbled something down. "I'll just be hunting down this 'Scrunchy Cerberus'." Hiruma informed them and stood, walking out.

"Th-thank you for your time!" The doctor called after him, wondering if him revealing her name would be considered manslaughter. Apollo followed quickly after Hiruma, slamming the reports back down on the desk and stalking out. "Have a nice day!" '_Definitely_ manslaughter.' The doctor thought with a sad sigh.

"Is it safe to come out now?" Scrunchy squeezed out from under the doctor's desk, stretching slowly.

"Kyaa! What are you doing here?! They are looking for you!"

"Hey, quiet down!" Scrunchy pulled at her ear with a wince. "Get any louder and they'll double back… shit!" She ducked back under the desk just as gun fire flattened the door and a 'YA-HA-!' sounded through the room. Silence took over as the doctor huddled in a corner of the office. Then Apollo's footsteps came to the desk and looked beneath to find… a trap door that was still open, but too small for either himself or Hiruma to get through.

"Know what?" He asked gruffly, standing and straightening his suit. "I think it's time for some 'father-son bonding.' "

"Know what?" Hiruma tossed him a hand grenade. "I think you're right!"

"Oh, fuck." Came from the hole under the desk as the pin was flipped and the grenade was dropped into the hole. The rest was Hiruma and Apollo teaching each other different tracking and torture methods on a poor, poor Scrunchy.

The moral to this story is… Hiruma and Apollo are better off not related and trying to hunt you down and torture you as 'bonding' time. And… we now know where Hiruma gets his temper and his dirty mouth.


End file.
